The Killers: Joel, the Lump of Coal (& Jimmy Kimmel)

Some time ago at Santa's place, up in the old North Pole
There lived a lump of anthracite whose parents called him Joel
Joel, Joel, the lump of coal, happy as a lump can be
He just wants to keep Santa warm and make the elves cozy

But Santa Claus had other plans,
For Joel one fateful day
"Joel, you're just the lump I need
Come join me on my sleigh"

Joel, Joel, the lump of coal,
Heart leapt up with joy
I'll soon be Santa's present's too
A lucky girl or boy
We'll often play together
And we'll hold each other tight
Snuggle under clean white sheets
When we go to sleep at night
But Santa's elves all laughed to Joel
You're in for a surprise
You're not a special Christmas gift
You're just a booby prize!
What kid would ever want you
You're filthy as can be

"But I make heat," poor Joel cried
"And electricity"
"You pollute the air
With CO2 and mercury"

Joel, Joel, the lump of coal
Fell down upon his knees
I don't wanna live with the naughty kid,
Don't make me, Santa, please,
But Santa laughed his jolly laugh
Ho, ho, you stupid lump
You're just the thing to teach this brat
That Santa ain't no chump, ho, ho, ho

So off they flew and before he knew
Joel was in a sack
He cried and yelled to Santa Claus
Why don't we just go back

And then came Christmas morning
And, much to Joel's surprise (Much to Joel's surprise)
He saw a boy with the saddest face
And tears were in his eyes (Tears were in his eyes)

He picked Joel up, he held him, said you can be my friend
(Hey man, let's be friends)
I would've liked some presents but
You're what Santa chose to send (Santa chose to send)
It's true I've been a naughty boy and maybe that's a sin
This is how Santa treats the kids,
I'm just glad that I'm not him!

Joel, Joel, the lump of coal, knew what he must do
He said now I know the reason why
I got sent to you
'Cause when a person hurts inside
It turns him hard and cruel
But I know how to make your pain into a precious jewel
So take me in your hand, young man
And squeeze with all your might
Let's turn your pain and anger into
Something that shines bright!

And Joel, Joel, the lump of coal
He gave his life away
So that one good naughty little boy
Found the diamond on Christmas day!!